Charity? More like Immorality.

I've recently had a bout of writer's block, which I'm sure you're all mortified to hear, although this return to my blog does end your unprecedented period of cold turkey, so well done for surviving this far. It must have been tough for you.

During these past long and arduous 24 days without inane complaints about the flawed world around me (well at least not recorded in the medium at least), I've attempted to find things to write about and time and time again I'd have to turn my back in order to preserve the unrivalled professionalism upheld on this hallowed example of a web page.

Even the recent dilapidation of my body at the hands of flu failed to coax anything interesting out of me. As I hallucinated night after night in cold sweats and spend days barely able to leave my bed, you'd have thought I'd come up with something a little trippy and interesting. But no. Here we are. Stuck. Still stuck in bloody writer's block.

So what you're about to read is obviously going to be incredibly exciting and worthwhile. I'll thank you for reading in advance, just in case you don't bother making it to the end.

Today I was having a lazy day watching TV – because I'm ill, you know – and whilst the current affairs and latest scientific breakthroughs discussed by Jeremy Kyle and his onslaught of big thinkers were utterly enthralling me, I noticed an envelope on the table beside me.

Hidden within said envelope was a free pen. My lucky day, thought I. Conscious of my writer's block, could it be an omen? Something to spur me back into productivity? I took out the pen and sneaked a look, 'British Red Cross'. Why thank you for your kind gift, British Red Cross. That's awfully kind of you, what with all the aid work you also do, you've taken time out of your busy day to send me of all people a pen. Completely free. Gratis. Bloody good of you.

In my bewilderment to British Red Cross's unrivalled generosity, I made the terrible error of opening the jaws of this Trojan gift horse and peered inside.

For what I am able to show you, be warned. Your trust in charities could falter if you read this, so if you wish to remain ignorant of their misdeeds – and by all means do – leave now. For all of our sakes.

An overview of the fetid beast that sits upon my desk now

An uncencored close up of the demonic apparition

Not one drop of ink shall fall from this creature's tip. A foul trick for the so-called British Red Cross – more like the British Red Herring – to play.

This struck me with such horror that I tremble as I write this even now. The cold heartedness of these – and I'm sorry to have to say this – these bastards is unacceptable. To deceive a young, innocent, frail boy (who is recovering from a monstrous bout of flu) is unforgivable. I just hope that no-one of a weaker heart was so thoughtlessly built up before being brutally cast back down to Earth from their small pedestal of joy at human generosity.

I would not go so far as to say you ought to boycott and slander these cruel 'do-gooders' but I think you all know what is the right thing to do. Their actions have left us no other options.

I hate to have to leave you on such a downtrodden note, but my heart tells me that you need no more instructions. Each of you already knows which actions to take, so my work has been done.

Thank you for reading. Stay strong, mighty warriors.