Death is no longer on the doorstep. He's in my house!

I have just had THE scariest day.

After my most recent blog - Death's on the Doorstep (or Patio (or just inside my laptop)) - I, most certainly, had death on my mind. So you can imagine my horror when I realised that George Putland - my good friend, actor, writer, poet, director, singer, all round fantastic bloke - and I were being followed by Mrs O'Neill a hideous ghost from the Sussex countryside.

Obviously, our first thought was to email Mostly Ghosts with our terrifying discovery. So we're awaiting publishing of our photographs on there so we can let the world know of the dangers of this furious ghoul.

Let me divulge you in the tale of my day, first, to set the scene. George, Dave Neill (who we suspect could be related to the old bint, Mrs O'Neill) and I began the day browsing Chris (simpsons artist)'s Facebook page and laughing long into the night. After an uncomfortable sleep for myself and Dave, George awoke fresh face and ready for the day so the three of us watched Jeremy Kyle - the angry swine - shouting at disgusting louts on my television.

After wanting to have a day taking shots like these, we discovered the aforementioned terrifying photos.

Before I introduce these images, I'd like to point you towards the fine lady who proved to me the existence of ghosts in one quick conversation that I have uploaded for you here. Please give it a read an discover the unknown logic of believers.

Bloody read it now!

So. Now you're a fully fledged believer I may begin. You understand the importance of the conversion you needed to undergo, as I imagine you now feel enlightened and ready to view these shocking images.

George and I went on a walk around Northiam and took a few pictures, after returning home we discovered the hideous truth behind the images we captured. I hope these are as life changing for you as they have been for us.

Remember: Mrs O'Neill is present in every photograph, so click on the images for higher resolution and to discover the true horror of our ordeal.

NB: No wires leading to the laptop. It was switched OFF. Freaky or what?

I hope these photographs have helped you on the long and perilous path towards believing in ghosts, souls and other such poppycock.

I also hope your Internet connection has been fairly fast for reading this blog, or loading up all of the photos could have wasted a lot of your life.

Good evening to you all.

Death's on the Doorstep (or Patio (or just inside my laptop))

After the holiday mentioned in my previous blog, I was lucky to escape alive – we drove along countless tiny roads up mountainsides with sheer drops on one side so, especially after I dreamt a few years ago that I’d die in the way, I was understandably weary.

I did survive this ordeal, though, and I’m back on good, flat, safe Sussex soil. My laptop has taken this as its cue to start its death throes, unfortunately. Yesterday it first decided it was necessary to scan the whole hard drive with a scary black and white screen, and upon completion of this scan (during which I had to decide whether to delete bits of my laptop that could be dangerous, but could also be part of the vital workings of the machine) it began telling me my Windows software wasn’t genuine.

Now I like to think that I know a thing or two about computers, but going through all this just pointed with in a 20ft neon sign that I know sod all about computers and their workings. Luckily I do know a man who knows a thing or two about these beastly contraptions, so I set to texting him and backing up everything on my laptop quickly. A testament to the important things in life was written when my ‘Uni’ folder took around 30 seconds to back up and my ‘iTunes’ folder took an hour and a half.

It all seems to have calmed down now, but I am indefinitely weary about this poor old chap’s life expectancy. Especially as today I ventured into the garden and was welcomed not only by the glorious sunshine (hooray!) but by this freaky apparition on the patio table.

This has got to be a ghostly sign that death is on its way. Either that or my face is going to slop from my skull into a large salad bowl. So if someone would do me a favour of casting some spells or doing some good voodoo for me, that’d be greatly appreciated. And if my face does slide off then I’ll know that either no-one reads this, or no-one with the common decency to help a boy in need reads this.

Oh, I also hurt my toe. Look at my plaster.

A Couple of Medicinal Breakthroughs

Greetings adoring fans,

I can only apologise for the lack of correspondences on my part. I eloped to Italy for 11 days to allow the media hype surrounding me after the Kentish Express article was published to dissipate and to leave the paparazzi with nothing to shoot as they camped outside my house.

While I was away I found two things that I thought noteworthy. I hope you enjoy them.

The first of these was a brilliant stress control system I saw advertised in the supermarket, I wonder how well it would be received by the stressed British.

From my translation (which is almost fluent) I have deducted that this treatment is little more than the box itself.

I imagine the series of events in application of this medication goes thusly;

1 – Develop a raging stress and throw any nearby sharp objects at colleagues, friends, loved ones and anyone unfortunate enough to come near.

2 – Have one of these unfortunate victims approach you with this revolutionary new treatment for the bargain price of €13.30.

3 – Read the suggestion to ‘be quiet’ and feel a sudden, soothing wave engulf you as your actions become mellowed and calm. You apologise to anyone you may have injured with your scorn and the world transforms into a haven for love, tranquillity and rational teamwork.

I can’t see how this system can be faulted. It is flawless. I am yet to try out this stress control, as I am such a placid character, but I have no doubt in its results.

If you’d like to read more on the subject, visit the website here. It’s all in Italian and therefore mostly impossible to understand. Enjoy.

The second was another medical treatment, although this one was somewhat more amazing.

This bite cream claims to have the potential to alleviate the symptoms of insect bites or stings for over 2 years! And it’s available in Boots! No need to trek to the Amazon to find some amazing cure from the root of a rare plant. This cream will be stocked in most towns in Britain.

I saw this and slapped it on as I had a few bites and would love to be immune to their pain until summer 2013. Alas, the pain relief was only a fleeting feeling. It was more like 12 hours than 2 years, but I feel I am to fault for this disappointment – I must have applied it incorrectly or something.

Other than discovering these, I did very little on holiday. I did romp to various majestic victories at Scrabble and cards, and I burnt both from the Sun and from touching a ridiculously hot lamp. It was fairly unnoteworthy, so it has no reason to be included here.

It’s good to be home.

Front Page News; Jono: The Musical!

Today my parents left me home-alone as they embarked on their trip to Italy for a fortnight. I woke up hideously late before dragging myself up, standing under a gratifyingly warm cascade of water and then warming some soup and going out – all within about an hour.

This rather uneventful start today did take a different diversion, though. I had a message from my friend telling me ‘Front page of the Kentish I hear!’ A strange text for me to receive during my morning slumber, and I didn’t quite believe it at first, but lo and behold as I looked online for said front page, it became apparent that something peculiar and brilliant had happened.

I obviously knew we were going to be in the paper, and that we had the photo taken (as I was there), but I never believed we’d make the front page. This will hopefully get us some decent publicity, and help us sell out the theatre.

This extra publicity comes in good timing as it was just yesterday that the tickets were printed, cut, numbered and ready to sell. Anyone interested in buying tickets should contact me, George, Zak, Ian or Josie. Tickets are priced at £3 concession or £5 adult, and all proceeds go to the Mouth Cancer Foundation.

We are also hoping to get some radio and TV coverage in coming weeks, so keep your eyes and ears peeled for that.

Jono: The Musical. 19^th July. Sinden Theatre. Doors at 7pm. Come the hell along.