Greetings adoring fans,
I can only apologise for the lack of correspondences on
my part. I eloped to Italy for 11 days to allow the media hype surrounding me
after the Kentish Express article was published to dissipate and to leave
the paparazzi with nothing to shoot as they camped outside my house.
While I was away I found two things that I thought
noteworthy. I hope you enjoy them.
The first of these was a brilliant stress control system I
saw advertised in the supermarket, I wonder how well it would be received by
the stressed British.
From my translation (which is almost fluent) I have
deducted that this treatment is little more than the box itself.
I imagine the series of events in application of this
medication goes thusly;
1 – Develop a raging stress and throw any nearby sharp
objects at colleagues, friends, loved ones and anyone unfortunate enough to
come near.
2 – Have one of these unfortunate victims approach you
with this revolutionary new treatment for the bargain price of €13.30.
3 – Read the suggestion to ‘be quiet’ and feel a sudden,
soothing wave engulf you as your actions become mellowed and calm. You
apologise to anyone you may have injured with your scorn and the world
transforms into a haven for love, tranquillity and rational teamwork.
I can’t see how this system can be faulted. It is
flawless. I am yet to try out this stress control, as I am such a placid
character, but I have no doubt in its results.
If you’d like to read more on the subject, visit the
website here. It’s all in Italian and therefore mostly impossible to
understand. Enjoy.
The second was another medical treatment, although this
one was somewhat more amazing.
This bite cream claims to have the potential to alleviate
the symptoms of insect bites or stings for over 2 years! And it’s available in
Boots! No need to trek to the Amazon to find some amazing cure from the root of
a rare plant. This cream will be stocked in most towns in Britain.
I saw this and slapped it on as I had a few bites and
would love to be immune to their pain until summer 2013. Alas, the pain relief was
only a fleeting feeling. It was more like 12 hours than 2 years, but I feel I
am to fault for this disappointment – I must have applied it incorrectly or
something.
Other than discovering these, I did very little on
holiday. I did romp to various majestic victories at Scrabble and cards, and I
burnt both from the Sun and from touching a ridiculously hot lamp. It was
fairly unnoteworthy, so it has no reason to be included here.
It’s good to be home.
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